Jupid's Arrow HD Remaster
by BleachedMerc
Summary: Geppetto & friends are back! Dive into the heart with all your favorite Kingdom Hearts heroes as they battle against the forces of darkness alongside the best diaper-wearing hero on this side of Olympus!
1. Chapter 1

It all started on Tuesday. That's when chimichangas were being served at the Destiny High cafeteria, and everyone knows that chimichangas are better than ham sandwiches. Miss Hendricks was busy catching up with her lecture notes for _Macbeth_ while Coach Heinz was talking to his son, Justy, on the walkie. Mr. Wow, the cool cat art teacher, on the other hand, was just chillin' in the corner and trippin' on some catnip.

Yup, it was just an average school day during the zombie apocalypse. Oh, did I forget to mention that zombies were attacking the city and the school was in lockdown? My bad, homies!

Something big was going down in Destiny Town, and we're not talking about Pence's waste size (although that porker was a serious contender). Nope, some dumb twit had gone and infected a group of hipsters with the dreaded T-virus, and now every barista and coffee freak in town was sipping on brain espresso. It didn't take long for dead guys to start crawling out of their graves, least of all everyone's favorite woodcarver! Geppetto and his sidekick Deadald Duck were soon knocking on the doors of the high school.

No one moved from their seats because the chimichangas were too tasty to pass up, but once they were all gone, Geppetto's knocks became inviting. "I'm gonna answer the door, ya know?" said Rai, a C-student that no one ever really noticed or cared about. He was so invisible that even when Geppetto ate his brains, it fell under the radar. But because Rai was pretty dumb, his low-cal brain matter gave Geppetto an upset stomach. He vomited on the floor, cuing Scruffy the janitor to come to the rescue with his trusty mop.

The temporary pause in the Geppetto invasion gave the teachers enough time to evacuate. Though they didn't much care to warn the students. As the big man on campus and jockiest of the jocks, Rafiki took that responsibility upon himself. He gave Deadald a wedgie, which, because the duck lacked pants, just consisted of pulling down his entire lower torso since it was half decayed and gooey enough to manipulate.

Wedgies and vomit abound, the students were able to escape to freedom. Well, everyone except for Gantu. He was the new transfer student and he didn't quite know his way around yet. Too bad.

It was around the time Geppetto puked up Gantu's left gill thing that Scruffy's mop inconspicuously left the scene to light up the Mop Signal.

All the way on the other side of the city, a righteous baby-god pulled up his diaper. It was go time.


	2. Chapter 2

So I was halfway to Pismo Beach when my phone started vibrating a little too close to my thermo-nuclear detonator. Why am I carrying that around in my grundies, you ask? Where else was I supposed to put the thing? My pockets were overflowing with chimichangas and bullets—you know, the important stuff. Anyway, I tell Bugs to hold it while I chat it up with my good buddy Jupid. You remember Jupid, right? Guy's like cupid on steroids, except instead of shooting arrows, he's firing .338s from his dual magnums. And forget about the whole sappy matchmaking schtick. Get on Jupid's hit list, and you're worse than toast. You're McMuffin.

Jupid tells me we've got a new gig in town, so I give Bugs the boot and hoof it back to the "Playground".

And who's there waiting to give me a big, steamy welcome? Backpack!

…Okay, not really. It was Oogie Boogie. Boy, if you thought he was fat the _last _time, those new zombie maggots dancin' around his undercarriage weren't doing him any favors. His gelatinous, necrotic goo jiggled in a way that earned the Bill Cosby seal of approval. Zombies are just plain nasty, but Oogie? He was worse. I don't know how he did it, but he somehow managed to be both bed sheet and ectoplasmic ghost at the same time.

Or maybe he was just the zombie snots from zombie Mostro's zombie nose.

Either way, I shot him with a rocket launcher. Problem solved.

After getting that warm, fuzzy feeling you get after blowing someone to ribbons, I was set to find the _real_ Backpack. It's time to get the band back together!


	3. Chapter 3

Duvon was about to close up shop for the day. He had spent all day carving out a worn-out pair of cowboy boots into a pair of cowboy sandals. Since business was slow, he figured if he hurried he might make it home in time for a 12-hour stake-out in the backyard huntin' moose. If he hurried that is.

So you can imagine Duvon's surprise when he noticed a floating baby checking out his stockpile of hunting apparel.

The baby had a _real_ _pensive _expression on his face and was currently scoping out his elephant guns.

Duvon picked one off the rack and handed it over to the right divine looking underage customer. Duvon didn't judge. His third cousin Charleton just got his newborn son a kelvar vest and a tactical rifle, who was Duvon to question whether that couldn't ever happen in reverse.

Wordlessly, the floating baby snapped the barrel down and peered through it. Satisfied, the baby withdrew his golden coin-purse from his diaper and then pointed to a box of ammunition, a pair of sawed-offs, a belt of grenades, a bear trap, and a subsonic plutonium-powered RPG (with extra plutonium.)

Duvon hesitated on the bear trap. He wasn't sure if the baby had the upper body strength to use it. But he relented when he considered that maybe his underage customer would use it as blunt object or something.

The redneck took the opportunity to offer him a pair of black face paint, on account of his pale complexion and also offered up some camouflage paint, for those long drawn out hunts.

He rang through Jupid's purchases, but drew the line when the benevolent toddler enquired over a pack of cigarettes. To which Duvon merely pointed at the sign: "No proof of age, no cigarettes." Jupid begrudgingly floated away with his newly acquired arsenal.

Duvon felt kind of bad. The additional sale had pushed him over the limit. He might as well keep the shop open now, there wasn't 12 hours left in the day for his stake-out. His wife Billy Jean would have to continue to hold down the fort while he was at work. The ridiculous moose population on his property would have to wait.

Meanwhile, Jupid was ecstatic. He hurried home and added his new purchases to his gun collection when he noticed that somebody had lit the Mop Signal again. And since he was still contending with all the other trouble zones that had popped up during his regular nap time, he knew he would soon need help. A quick phone call to the only other gun-toting guy he could trust, would rectify that situation.


End file.
